Harry Potter Advice
by SiriousB1
Summary: No one is perfect; especially not witches wizards who suffer from severe peer and media pressure! Enter the world of an advice columnist's dream. Rated R for language and those who cannot understand the idea of not reading what they don't want to hear.
1. Harry Potter

Thank you to Pudding333 for your character and question idea.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
For some reason, death is attracted to me. I'm like a magnet for accidents of all sorts! I suppose it all started when I was a child. You see, this evil dark wizard killed my parents and tried to kill me, but (somehow) I evaded his curse (it was the Killing Curse!) and was left with only a lightning bolt scar in the middle of my forehead. Well, some people say that it is over my right eye, but it's there all the same. Ever since then, I have lived with my Muggle relatives who have treated me badly. When I finally got to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, everything deadly started again! First, there was this giant mountain troll. He is kind of like the cave troll from my favorite novels The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, except taller, not as hunched and he wore a loincloth. Next, there was that nasty encounter with a three-headed dog named Fluffy. He was like the dog that guarded Hades in Greek Mythology. Then, I again had a close call with death when I met the dark wizard again. From then on, my life has been even worse. Everything has happened to me from fighting dragons, figuring out that an ex-convict is my godfather and a rouge bludger. As you can see, though some are less life threatening than others, these incidents are clearly dangerous, annoying and a great hazard to my physical (and mental) health. All in all, I am a death magnet! Why is it that the whole idea of mortality is attracted to me and what can I do about it?  
  
See ya',  
Quidditch Player Who Is Stalked By Death  
  
Dear Quidditch Player,  
  
Perhaps this mysterious scar of yours has something to do with your misfortune. Maybe you didn't evade this wizard's spell as much as you'd like to think. Perhaps some of his curse stuck with you. Since it was the Killing Curse, some of it's power has come back to haunt you when you started performing magic yourself, causing near-death-occurrences to follow you wherever you go. Have you tried burning it off? I suppose the pain would be a bit of a problem. Hmm...surgery might work. God knows, if they can make intentional scarring (I saw that on the Discovery Channel; this girl got a horseshoe cut into her chest and it left an intentional scar...it was so cool!), they should be able to reverse it. I would have recommended using some Neosporin, but you really need to apply that when the cut is first made, don't you? (I guess I'll have to read the label next time.) If you do not wish to accept this idea of why death is attracted to you, then I can offer you one other: you are related to the Baudelire (did I spell that right?) orphans from the book series A Series of Unfortunate Events by the brilliant Lemony Snicket. Yes, they are always magnets for unhappy and unlucky incidents and they never seem to be able to get out of it. Maybe the next book will be about them going to live with you and your Muggle relatives? That would be interesting, now wouldn't it?  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

A/N: Okay, well, since FF.net has "cleaned up its act", so to speak, I decided I'd try re-posting my advice columns. For those of you who have magically read them before, you might remember them all suddenly disappearing from existance. Well, some readers who were deeply offended by my use of language and sardonic tones (not in this column, but others to come) reported me and my stories were removed. Sadly, many of them were lost forever because I neglected to buy Norton and I got a virus on my computer, deleting all of my Word documents. However, I have Norton now and I am searching my room for random scraps of paper that might possibly be saved notes from the columns. Feel free to send advice questions (in a specific character or not) via FF.net's review system or my e-mail (siriousb1yahoo.com); I am always looking for things to do other than pay attention during Health class, so this is a critical step! Thank you for listening to this retarded rambling; hope you enjoyed it. 


	2. Winky and Ron

Thank you to Iccess-america for your character and question ideas.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Winky is a horrible house elf, Winky is! Winky tried to be a good house elf, Winky is, but Winky didn't follow master's orders! Winky wants to be a good house elf, Winky does, but now that Winky has been shamed, Winky doesn't think that Winky can be good no more! Will you help poor Winky?  
  
From,  
Disgraced House Elf  
  
Dear Disgraced,  
  
Damn, elf! You are really fucked up, you know that? If you want any respect at all, you're gonna' have to learn how to speak proper English! Take some lessons, for God's sake; I got a headache just reading your letter! Anyway, after you find some good, inexpensive English Classes, go to maid school. Hell, you could e-mail Jennifer Lopez (oh wait...excuse me...e-mail "J-Lo") and ask her what she did in Maid in Manhattan that was so maid-like. After you get what information you can out of her (I'm just going to assume very little) go to a Maid School. I know they're out there!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
My head is still spinning...

* * *

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I have two major problems, both of which involve my two best friends. First has to do with love. I am madly in love with my best friend that is a girl. She is so pretty! She is intelligent, kind...everything that I look for in a girl. Sure, we argue sometimes (okay, we argue a lot), but isn't that just a sign that two people are meant for each other? How can I confess my true, undying love to this girl of my dreams? And, the second problem has to do with my other best friend. In fact, I was a best friend with him before I even ever met Hermo...er, my other best friend that I am in love with. The issue is that he is always overshadowing me! He gets all the attention from teachers, girls, even strangers just because he's The Boy Who Lived. I don't say it, but it really gets to me. How can I cope with him being so much more popular than I?  
  
Signed,  
Red Haired Lover Boy  
  
Dear Red,  
  
You should tell this girl that you like out right about your feelings. It's always better to tell someone than keep it knotted up inside you. Trust me. That way, you'll be able to figure out several things: if she likes you back, what her reaction to you saying it is (surprised, happy, etc.) and other things. She will also probably show some more respect towards you once you have shown the courage that it takes to tell a girl (or guy, but you obviously don't swing that way) that you like them. As for your other friend? Tell him to suck his dick. Well, okay, don't actually do that, but just ignore his popularity. I mean, really. Would you rather be famous and have everyone know every move you make or be a kid that no one has ever heard of that has their own freedom? Personally, I'd choose the latter. Fame isn't everything. (Whoa, sounding like your sexy Potions Master now!) Be happy with who you are and be grateful that no one is stalking you 24/7. (Trust me...being stalked is not a good feeling! Not that I know, of course. But being the stalker as opposed to the stalked is a much better feeling.) Um...did I just write that? I'm not a stalker! ::Sees Hojo walk by:: Excuse me please... ::follows Hojo with bazooka, seven grenades and pistol...::  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	3. HeWhoMustNotBeNamed

Thank you to Jade-The-Kitsune for your character and question idea.  
  
Dear Injudicious Muggle Who Has The Brain Capacity Of A Common Pack Mule,  
  
As much as it displeases me to send a letter to one as low as you, I am in quite a fix. It all began a long time ago when I tried to kill this silly boy who was only one year old. I would never have picked him myself out of a crowd of about 300, but there was this...::warning lights start flashing, sirens sound out (very loudly) and Wormtail rushes up to his master's side whispering something in his ear:: WHAT?! Preposterous! They can't tell me, the Great Dark Lord, what to do! ::Wormtail continues to whisper:: Fine...very well. But, one of these days, I will reveal the secret of The Order of the Phoenix! ::Wormtail disappears into a corner:: Well, anyway, this THING told me to...do something with this boy...wait... that sounded really wrong...Ack! This THING told me to use some sort of magic on this boy but it backfired, almost killing me. So, I kept at it. For almost 16 years I have tried and tried to...cast that SPELL that this THING told me to on this boy but I have never succeeded. Even now, when I am back in my original body, I cannot defeat him. Even during that terrible fight in the...ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT ALREADY! Even during that fight in the PLACE where wizards are, I could not put this SPELL on him that this THING told me to! Why can I not ki...err, put this SPELL on this boy?  
  
Not Your Friend,  
Evil Dark Lord Who Shall Kill All Muggles and Mudbloods And Finally Go Down In The Muggle Book The Guinness Book Of World Records As The Most Evil   
  
Dear Gay-Ass MoFo,  
  
::Snicker:: Having trouble wording our question, are we? ::Snicker:: Just because you are in the fifth Harry Potter book doesn't mean you can give away all of its secrets! Just because I have read it doesn't mean you can say them because of all the people reading this crappy advice column who haven't! HA! Okay, well, I'm sure a good 3/4 of you have read the book (being the die-hard fans that you are), but for those of you that haven't...well, you get the idea. So, anyway, are you sure that you listened to this THING carefully? I'm sure that you can do whatever it is that you want to this boy...you're right, that does sound wrong...you can do without a SPELL. You do know that most people (wizard and not) cannot survive falling off of a cliff, right? I'm sure that you, of all people, have thought of more ways to make someone kick the bucket than just a SPELL. Dumbass...  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	4. Dumbledore

Thank you to Pudding333 for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I hate to burden you with my worries and problems, but it seems essential at this time. First of all you must understand that I am very old. I have lived for a very long time and have tried my hardest to put forth enough energy into my school (Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry) to make it the best on this earth. However, despite my efforts, it always seems that it is indeed my school that gets the most negative media attention. For example, during the fourth year at Hogwarts that was recorded by the magnificent witch J.K. Rowling, one reporter named Rita Skeeter of the Daily Prophet wrote several articles regarding a few of my students. All of these were complete rubbish, and yet it seemed that most people believed them. Also, during the same year, we finally held another TriWizard Tournament. And it was just to my rotten luck that Hogwarts was the host. We had several problems with it (i.e., an extra wizard competing, a teacher who turned out to be a spy and a couple giant Blast-Ended Screwts just to name a few) that all seemed to be blamed on my staff and myself. Of course, the worst of it all was that one of my students wound up dead. The Dark Lord Voldemort killed him and yet no one believed it. And, of course, neither Beauxbatons nor Durmstrang was blamed for anything. Is there something that I am doing wrong? A mistake that I have made? What is it that I can do to make my school a better and safer place for the students and the staff? I just don't feel like I can take it anymore! I sit at this desk all year slaving over long rolls of parchment and conducting difficult spells for them, but do I get any thanks? NO SIR! I get stuck with these punks coming back to my school every year and causing me more trouble. ::Starts ripping hair out of head and beard out of chin:: ONE OF THESE DAYS I AM GOING TO MAKE THEM ALL PAY! YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! ::Screams and laughs manically and runs around in circles ::MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! ::Eyes widen and a large, nasty looking machete is revealed from underneath the folds in his robes:: COME HERE, NOW. JUST A LITTLE CLOSER...   
  
Cordially,  
Flustered Headmaster   
  
Dear Flustered Headmaster,  
  
Perhaps you are taking this whole bad media thing the wrong way. Perhaps the press is just trying to make you feel perturbed with all of this false (and sometimes true) publicity. ::Sweatdrop:: I daresay that it's working. This may just be my opinion, but perhaps you have "gone off of your rocker"? I think that it is time that you retire, old man, 'cause there is something going on in that ancient head of yours that isn't right. I mean, we wouldn't want any of your students to get hurt, now would we. ::Pauses:: WHAT AM I SAYING? Pushes Harry Potter, Ron Weasly and Hermoine Granger forward towards the Headmaster Please! Don't hesitate to mutilate these...um...poor students' bodies! I'm sure that they'll be found floating in a river at some point. I mean, they just "happened" to come see you in your office at a bad time, right? :-)  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
Don't you dare steal my laugh, geezer! Besides, you can't even do it right! This is how you laugh like a maniac! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get it right, ya' old fart! 


	5. Hermione Granger

Thank you to Rebecca Arwena for her character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I'm in love with this red-headed boy, but I'm afraid that he doesn't love me back. It seems that I'm not beautiful enough for him, with my streaming auburn locks and cute button nose. I feel myself becoming a woman, but he just sees me as "one of the guys". What should I do?

Signed,  
BrilliantbrunetteGrangergryffindor.web  
  
Dear Brunette,  
  
You need to show your sexy side. Trade in your books for make up, for a while. Wear shirts with a bit of cleavage; not too much! You don't want him thinking you're a slut! Try getting highlights and cutting your hair into a short and sassy style (that seems to be the trend, nowadays). Work on a sexy voice to talk to him with and practice your walking so you don't look unconfident or shy. See if this sparks his interest!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

A/N: Just so y'all know, I got a lot of grief last time I posted this question. One reviewer claimed that I shouldn't be trying to change a person's appearance or who they were just so they could get a date. I have but two things to say on this matter: First, walk down the halls of your school or work. Look at the girls! It would appear that trying to change themselves physically to get laid is exactly what they do, so don't go telling me that this never happens. And, secondly, it's a book. Hermione Granger is a fictional (yet remarkable) character from a series of brilliant books that many people, young and old, adore. Don't give me crap about changing her character; she doesn't exist (despite what many book lovers would like to think). Right, there is my rant: if you're gonna' flame me on this question, find a new reason.


	6. Wormtail

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Hi, my name is Wormt…er, I mean, my name is Pet…I mean…oh screw it. Anyway, I have this, um, problem. ::Glances around:: You see, I think I'm having some problems carrying out my job as a successful wizard in proper wizarding society. You see, while I should be sitting in a large, cushy chair behind a desk in an office at the ministry, reviewing various papers and reports, I find myself taking orders from ::looks around:: my Master…I mean, the Dark Lord. Um, it's kind of hard to explain; I never know exactly when he is watching or listening, and this gives me very little free time. He is also a very demanding person who required my presence almost every waking minute when he had no body to move in. This is very tiring on my part, and I rarely have time to see my boyfr…er, girlfriend. To make matters worse, my savings account at Gringotts has been almost totally emptied due to the need for housing in different, secret locations and my Maste..dammit, the Dark Lord's growing obsessions with the Muggle snacks Flaming Hot Cheetos and Hostess Twinkies. (An unusual combination, but I try to leave the room whenever he gets a fix.) It also appears that the Dark Lord has no respect for my or my well being, as he made me chop off my hand so he could return to a normal body. Sure, he gave it back, but the idea is there! As you can tell, I'm having serious issues regarding the Dark Lord as he is a control freak as well as a Cheetos obsessed maniac. Do you have any suggestions as to what I could do to get out of working for him, or, at least, making my job less arduous?   
  
From,  
Depressed Timid Rat  
  
Dear Depressed Timid Rat,  
  
It is hard to say whether or not the fault of this seeming disaster is yours or your Master's (the Dark Lord, as you prefer). I can see how your feelings are making everything difficult, but how on Earth did you manage to get yourself into this situation? A normal, everyday wizard would easily have been able to graduate from his or her school, start a family, get a job (at the Ministry or other) and be happy. Why the fuck did you pledge loyalty to the Dark Lord, you demented blob of rancid earwax? Under normal conditions, I'd suggest you just slip away unnoticed, change your name, get a job and never mention your previous life ever again. However, based on your claim that he is almost always watching, I don't think this will work very well. Now, you might be able to make a bargain with your Master; do a very important job for him or get him five lifetime supplies of Flaming Hot Cheetos and Hostess Twinkies in exchange for your freedom. But, as a controlling overlord of darkness and despair, I hardly think this will work. Maybe you could kill him yourself? He may be strong, but you seem to hold a position close enough to him that finding out secrets, weaknesses, etc. should not be so hard a feat. If I recall correctly, mutiny and revolution seem to help overthrow powerful leaders. Let's see…the French Revolution in 1789 was successfully completed with the execution of King Louie the 16th and Marie Antoinette…the American Revolution not too long before that freed the United States from British rule…the list goes on. Get the rest of his supporters together and see if they share your feelings of helplessness. You Master, the Dark Lord, probably runs his power on a thin line of support and fear. If it turns out that many of his other "followers" are merely scared little weasels that want out, then plot destruction and bring the world to peace. All of your options are easier said than done, I'm sure, but I'm confident you can manage.   
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	7. Snape

Thank you to Orlando's Gurl for your character idea; I had a lot of fun coming up with this question!  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
It has come to my attention that I am desperately wanted by many fan girls across both wizarding and Muggle communities. As I sat at my computer the other day (a Muggle invention, I know, but it can come in handy), and was searching on Yahoo for "ways to kill Harry Potter without Dumbledore attacking me in my sleep", I came across several hundred websites dedicated to my existence. In addition to this, I have discovered that many "fanfictions" (as these strange creatures known as Muggles call them) have been devoted to a non-existent rapport between one of my students and me. This absolutely repulsed me and I'm afraid that it took several hours of bathroom time to get the taste of utter disgust out of my mouth. I do not enjoy reading about my supposed sexual relationships with several female (and even, dare I say, male) apprentices. Should any Daily Prophet reporters pick up on any of these stories, then my career would be in unreserved ruin. And then, as if this stomach-turning experience could get any worse, I stumbled across hundreds of websites showing images (some very explicit, some not as so) depicting me and my students and my worst enemies in tight embraces, locking lips and even…other things that shall not be mentioned here. Not only was I in dire need of a bathroom run, but I suffered from hysteria for a week and a half in St. Mungo's before the trauma ended. (However, I still retain some of these images merely because I enjoy looking at myself with my sexy nose and breath-taking eyes, but that is another story entirely.) As you can tell, my problems run deep and violate the code that I have lived by (never trust anyone that can hurt you) to the extreme. I have found countless numbers of girls (and a few guys, as they swing that way) who seem to trust me and want me, when they don't even know me. It is not that I do not enjoy this sort of love and fame, but when they begin to draw images and write stories of my "love life" that are simply not true, I find myself in a rage that has never been matched. What is it that I may do to keep these wild beasts under control? They have ignored my e-mails and owls, disregarded the reports of abuse I have submitted and simply been a nuisance to my very being. I swear that if you don't help me, I'll come after you with a Truth Potion and post all of your secret fantasies online for all to see. Respond quickly, Muggle, or I'll be at your door!  
  
Not your friend, but in need of your help,  
Greasy-Haired Potions Sex God  
  
Dear Sex God,  
  
I can see that your distaste for romance has ruined your sense of humor toward many of these sights. They are all in good taste, and many have even dedicated shrines and weekly columns to and about you. As you said, this sort of fame is bliss, but you seem to deny your feelings simply because you cannot except the fact that there are those people who wish to control your love life. I can see how you have issues with people describing you living a pedophile-like way of life, but have some heart! They are all hopelessly in love with you and are merely trying to make those few that hate you share their appreciation. Your hatred is acceptable, but you could at least show them some respect for trying to help your non-existent love life out. I mean, come on! How often do girls with big boobs and a sexy accent come up to you and ask you out? Wouldn't you like to settle down, maybe have some kids, retire and watch your children's children run around playing wizard's chess, Quidditch and other such wizarding things? If you really insist on dispersing these cult groups dedicated to hooking you up with others (or themselves) then maybe you could report it to a higher ranking official. The cults are, as you said, ignoring your complaints, so report it elsewhere. Maybe if you're lucky you can find an assassin-for-hire and put all of your fans to death. I do not, however, recommend this because, should anyone find out, you might be charged with mass murder of people of all ages. Hell, it would be genocide of the Snape Obsessed Community! And, not only would you be killing innocent Muggles and wizards/witches who are only trying to help, you'd also be killing an advice columnist with a dream to someday get you in bed. Not that anyone really wants to picture me going down on you, but you understand my point! I suggest that you savior what fame has been brought to you and send e-mails or owls or whatever to the owners of these sites, authors of these stories and artists of these pictures thanking them for their deep admiration of you. Soon, you'll have an even bigger crowd to look forward too! I can almost guarantee that your fans will be greater than even that of Harry Potter's. Have fun writing all those letter and what not; you'll be at it for a long time!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


End file.
